self growth – Dahlia Dowler

Stop Burying Yourself!

How many things did you enjoy doing but stopped because of some reason or other? What did you used to love playing, drawing or singing? Where did you love visiting? How did you enjoy pampering yourself?

We allow the world and all those in it to make us believe that we aren’t number one. We use excuses like “I have too much to do” or “I have a lot of responsibilities” or “I just don’t have the time,” as a way out from actually making ourselves a priority.

You may have been raised to believe that you must make everyone else a priority, that you must live in service of others. To sacrifice your time, effort, money and peace of mind for others. You have been raised to believe that achievement is the only value, that you must make money, must become successful, be famous and to make work a priority. Again, sacrifice your time, effort and peace of mind.

The Price You Have to Pay

What happens when you bury yourself and suffocate the things you love to do? You begin to die a little inside. The more you ignore yourself and your needs, the more you truly feel that you are unworthy and a second-class human. You don’t matter – that is what you’re telling yourself every single day.

When you bury yourself, you step on every talent, hobby or activity that you enjoyed. You step on that child that found wonder and joy in the world. You step on the gifts that God gave you.

Time is precious and the same way you allow yourself to give up time for others you need to give the same to yourself. If you don’t have time for yourself, then you’re never truly present for others, your mind will always be drifting off to the next important task or appointment.

Another price, is the energy you expend. When you’re giving your energy to others and not charging up the battery, you eventually burnout. That same energy you give others, should be directed to you too. You’re just as important. No energy for yourself = no real energy for others.

The Person You Become

As a person who has been periodically burying themselves, you become zombie-like. Listless and dull. Constantly on autopilot. Life is all the same and even the simplest pleasures lose all taste and significance.

You become a person who is switched off, yet constantly dissatisfied and angry. A part of you constantly yearning and desiring for something missing, a voice calling out for something that you cannot do.

Do you find yourself missing the feeling of a pencil on paper, as you sketch out something from nothing? Do you desperately need a spa day and feel the sensation of someone else taking care of you? Is there a voice that’s calling for lands far away?

Now you’re a person you no longer recognise. A person who’s lost their truth and essence and is playing a role in a play you never signed up for.

Consequences

I’ve encountered this several times in my own life. I’d go through phases when I’d prioritise other aspects of my life, and forget myself in the process. There was a stage when work was my highest priority, I took my work home with me, made sure I got everything done at a 110%, until I got burnt out.

Another time in my life, my relatives took precedent, their happiness, their peace, their lives, were more important than my own wellbeing. It continued until I exploded and ejected them all from my life.

The list goes on. There are consequences to burying yourself. One of the most common consequences is increased chronic stress levels. An area that really impacted me, that I had foolishly buried, was my practice of artistic and creative activities. I had no creative outlet, so my negative energy just piled up, eventually bursting in unhealthy ways.

You face the potential of major health issues, major conflict with others and all round deep depression.

Reclaim Yourself

Only you can decide to take this step. If you don’t want to keep living like an undead human, you’re going to need to make that choice.

Thanks to recurring zombie related dreams (I wasn’t watching or reading anything zombie related at the time), I got the message my subconscious was screaming at me, “Wake up! Or else you’ll keep dying inside.”

After finally hearing the message, I made some drastic changes to my life – I started taking art related courses, eventually left my job and allowed myself to finally return to my own self growth and development. I went back to making myself a priority.

You probably won’t need to make super drastic changes, you can start small. Begin with a hobby you used to enjoy. Maybe try taking a couple of hours just for yourself, take yourself out on a date, a spa experience or maybe just read that book you’ve been putting off for years.

You can start by saying no, and forgiving yourself that you can’t be everyone’s super hero. You’re human and are allowed to shut down every now and then. Start expressing your needs, “I want to eat pasta tonight”, “I want to go to the cinema”, “I need some alone time.” Allow yourself that right.

Try learning something new, maybe you’ve always wanted to learn to play music or you’ve wanted to learn a new language. Go for it. You have to make that time for yourself, no one else is going to give it to you.

You need to ask yourself “Am I important enough? Am I worth it?” Are you worth the time, energy and money? If the answer is yes, then it’s time to reset your priorities.

Take Small Steps

Or go big! It’s up to your, respect your pace, but don’t make excuses and stay in your comfort zone. The longer you live in there, the smaller the zone gets. Get out while you still can. Breathe. Live.

Don’t worry about the people in your life. At first, they’ll be surprised and some may think you’re crazy. Maybe one or two may even get angry, but in the end, it’s your life. No one else is living it for you. You don’t need to drop your promises or duties, but you’re making yourself an equal priority (some of you may need to make yourself even more than an equal priority) and anyone who isn’t okay with that, will either adjust and adapt, because they care about you and want to see you smiling too, or they’ll keep fighting you and you’ll need to decide if they’re worth keeping in your life.

You cannot help others without helping yourself. Put yourself first. Like I said before start small. You may even become a role model for others and encourage a healthy lifestyle for those you love and care about.

Start with yourself and the rest will follow. It’ll be hard at first, but you’re worth it!

Let me know what part of yourself that you’ve buried and miss. Share your experiences and how you reconnected with yourself again. Comment below

If you need help to reconnect with yourself and gain some valuable tools and techniques to create the life you want, Contact Us now.

Read Posted in Awareness, Self growthPosted on June 27, 2017 by Dahlia Dowler

What Are You Worth?

That’s a tough question I’ll bet. By worth, I’m not talking about how much you’re worth in dollars, but something far more priceless – YOUR self-worth.

Self-worth is another word for self-esteem and self-respect. Worth nowadays is measured by the external image that we show the world. What brands we wear, the holidays we take, the friends we make, the parties we attend and so on. Society is focused on the image we portray more than the substance underneath.

Is your value in the Instagram photos you take of your food? Is it in the amazing life you share on Facebook? Maybe it’s the shoes you wear or the iPhone you carry? Wait is it in the stellar muscles you build?

The outward appearance of success that social media and modern society encourages has created a stage for narcissism and even pseudo-narcissism. Countless people – young and old – hide behind false identities, out of fear of being judged as “boring”, “unsuccessful”, or “poor”. They fear facing reality.

Are we more than our image?

Of course! We are more than the image we show the world. Whether you’re following the trends, or rebelling in order to stand out, you are more than the insecurities that drive you. Imagine what the world would be like if everyone truly believed they were their outward appearance?

Then who are we?

You’re whoever you want to be. We have lost ourselves to the convenience of the online and global community. We can be whomever we want, but the online world allows us to merely extend the masks we wear to face the world. Instead of just playing our roles before our physical communities, we continue it online too. But if your only value is in your image, then what will you do when you’re older, or even if some unfortunate accident happens? What will you do when you’re left alone with your thoughts?

Why do we hide behind these masks?

Because it’s easier. It creates a safe comfort zone for us to cocoon. Even people who are always out for the next hot new experience are wearing masks. Everyone wears them. We created these masks to protect ourselves as kids and carried them with us into adulthood. Over the years we forget we’re wearing them and so believe the parts we play.

So where does my value lie?

Inside you. You were born and simply put, YOU have value. End of story. You don’t need to have a fancy life, or car. You don’t need to have a gorgeous partner or a tonne of money. You are valuable the way you are. You are precious no matter what. You decide your self-worth and value – no one else can dictate that for you.

How do I find my self-worth?

Reconnect with that part of you, that child that existed before all the masks, before the world and your parents began placing demands on you. The memories may not come easily, but they’re in there somewhere. There was a time when you accepted yourself for who are – unconditionally.

The most important relationship you’ll ever have is your relationship with yourself. People come and go, but you will always be there. Isn’t it about time to give yourself some real attention?

Let me know where you believe your value lies. If you’re interested in exploring and working on your self-worth and confidence – Contact us now and book a session!

Read Posted in Awareness, Self growthPosted on June 18, 2017August 31, 2018 by Dahlia Dowler

Limiting Labels & Identifications

Limiting Labels and Identifications

We live our lives completely surrounded by labels, brands and classifications. We’re encouraged from our youth to categorise people into neat little columns. Everything has a label that, we either use as a negative or positive form of judgement.

We are tall, short, fat, thin, black, white, Arab, European, cool or uncool. We have categories for everything. The classifications are often used to describe others or things and can be useful, but when we have an emotional attachment to the label that’s where the problem lies.

When we attach ourselves to these labels it becomes a part of our identity (and sometimes our entire identity). If the label changes or is forced away from us we can lose our sense of identity and who we are because we were so attached to the label.

Imagine a girl who has lived her life living under the identity of “Achiever.” She took extreme pride in her ability to achieve and for her it was her sole source of value. She can make things happen. When she faces hardship, and fails at achieving her goals – she loses all sense of herself. She no longer feels she has value and she no longer knows who she is. Her world comes crashing down. She becomes self-identified with “Failure” and no matter how much she tries to stand up again, the identity follows her like a dark rain cloud. She’s limited herself within walls of “Achiever” and “Failure”.

The labels we become attached to hinder us from being who we truly are. We block our potential and our abilities by identifying with limiting labels. We are more than the names we give ourselves. We are everything and nothing.

Everything and nothing:

By everything and nothing, I mean we can take on the attributes or qualities we need, without allowing ourselves to become identified with them. Instead of stuffing ourselves into a box, we can free our lives instead. There are infinite personalities, but when we limit ourselves to a handful of them, we cannot tap into everything else.

If you’re identified as “non-committal” you prevent yourself from ever connecting with something on a deeper level. You use the label as an escape mechanism, preventing you from experiencing the sense of achievement when you see something through to the end.

If you’re identified as “tolerant”, you may prevent yourself from expressing your anger when you reach the threshold of your tolerance, pushing yourself to keep putting your feelings and grievances aside.

We are more than the labels and identities we give ourselves, indescribable by mere human language.

How to identify the identities?

Ask yourself in what areas of your life do you have the most pride and the most shame?

For example – Someone might say “I take pride in my heritage, I am American and no one is better.” Another might say “I’m ashamed that I’m American, we’re all bullies.”
How do you describe yourselves to others? How do you imagine people would describe you?

What labels do you look down on and what do you feel most connected to?

These identities are basically what we now call the Ego, the masks we wear to face the world. The false self that makes us believe that our insecurities, our pride, our fears, our desires etc… are who we truly are.

What happens when I identify the Ego?

You find your weak point, your limitation. Once you identify it, you can then work on releasing it.

“I am not my [insert label here]”

Example, “I am not my national identity”

“I am not my gender”

“I am not my age”

“I am not my family”

Once allowing yourself to acknowledge the existence of the attachment, you can then begin working on healing and releasing it. Forgive yourself for any harsh judgements you may have passed on yourself. Forgive yourself any pain you may have caused yourself or others. Forgive yourself any ideals you couldn’t live up to. You’re human.

What is it like to release the Ego?

You’re no longer attached to the identity or mask, so you no longer feel pain when someone or something threatens or attacks it. For example, a man who isn’t attached to the identity typically associated with being a man, won’t become upset or feel hurt when someone attacks his “manhood.” Words like “sissy”, “weak”, “not a man” won’t affect him, because he’s no longer placing his sense of value on the label “man.”

We become free from our limitations and we allow our true self to shine through.

What else can I do release my limiting identifications?

Seek guidance from someone with experience. Any therapist or coach will be able to guide you to untangle the attachments to any labels or identifications. Wouldn’t life be grand free of restraints? Limitless and expansive.

Have you had any experiences releasing attachments in past? What were they and how did you work through it? Share your opinions and experiences in the comments section below.

Read Posted in Awareness, Self growthPosted on June 5, 2017August 31, 2018 by Dahlia Dowler

Why Must Love Be Judged?

Recently I watched a play based on a part of Elaf Shafak’s book “The 40 Rules of Love”. I haven’t read the book yet, but the adaptation has encouraged me to do so.

The play was about the friendship and kindred love of Rumi, the famous Sufi philosopher and Shams el Tibrizy (aka Shams of Tebriz), the all loving and devout Dervish.

I remembered, while watching the play, a conversation I had with a friend (about year or so before) regarding Rumi and Shams’ relationship. She told me that it was rumoured that they were actually secretly lovers.

At the time I wasn’t really in the mood to discuss things further, but I had also become so used to the idea of “secret lovers”, that I just told her “it’s a possibility, you never know.” However, even though I didn’t know much about their relationship, something in my gut didn’t really agree.

Some may take this to mean I’m being homophobic or that I believe that just because they were religious, that there would be no chance that they could have been lovers. But that’s far from what I felt, especially after watching the play. I know that it was adapted depending on what the writer deemed interesting or relevant – and that I wouldn’t really be able to build a fair opinion until I’ve done my own research – but I believe that there are certain truths that shine through anyway, although that too depends on the state of your own consciousness at the time.

I hadn’t really thought about Rumi’s personal life. I rarely think of any philosopher’s, guru’s or teacher’s personal lives. If the information crosses my path then fair enough, but I rarely go looking for it. It was due to my own experiences with personal celebrity information, gossip and scandals that tainted my perception of them and their works. So I decided that I would just appreciate them for what they create – it has nothing to do with what happens in their personal lives.

Over time, while I was working at letting go of living a life of expectations – one of the things I did was choose to let go of my judgement of the actors I enjoyed watching. “I don’t care about their personal life, that’s their responsibility not mine. Plus I can’t trust everything I hear from the media.” I learned to be more accepting and less judgemental. Think about it, do you care what a doctor does in his personal life? As long as he does his job well, does it matter?

Universal Unconditional Love & Judgement

Now, from Rumi’s words that I have stumbled across, from the play and even from my own personal self discovery journey, I felt that there was more to the relationship than my friend believed.

The whole thing got me thinking about the universal essence of love, not the washed out portrayal that it is today. When I talk about “Love”, I don’t mean the selfish, possessive, or needy love. The image of attachment and narcissism. Or the tool people use to get what they want. I don’t mean the passionate or sexual love. I mean the love that transcends simple association or description. Universal unconditional love.

The concept and the word Love, has become white washed and tainted by broken promises, romanticised literature and Hollywood imagery. Along with cases of incest, paedophilia, statutory rape etc… The world has become jaded by the representation and intention behind the emotion.

If a man loves his best friend, who also happens to be female – well they must be in a relationship or at least dated before. Two girls love each other more than sisters – they must be lesbians. A student and teacher adore each other – of course, they’re secretly having an affair. And the list of judgements go on.

It has become a trend that onlookers or outsiders look in and judge kindred spirits, best friends and platonic soul mates, as carnal lovers. The concept that people can love one another without sexual desire being involved seems to be a dying belief or perspective.

Have you ever had a friend, teacher, companion or student you absolutely loved just for who they are? Not an ounce of sexual desire involved? Do we not love our families in that way too? What about the love of a parent towards their child? Or a smiling stranger who makes your day? A child who lights up because you gave them a toy? Or an animal that makes you feel unconditional love and appreciation without saying a single word?

Isn’t all of this love? Love for nature, or other humans? Love for our countries, communities and tribes? We’re all connected in one way or another and in ways far more profound than that of the human basic desire.

We can love random people on the street. We can love animals, trees and oceans. We can love children, teens and adults. We can love our ancestors and all coming future generations. We could essentially love anyone and everyone including ourselves. And most of all we can love God or the higher source. So why must that emotion be tied in to sex?

I loved hanging out with my earliest and oldest best friend of over 16 years. We would sit out by the bus stop after school and talk for hours. We preferred spending our time together than spend it at home. We had found in each other a kindred spirit, a teacher, student and best friend. We love each other. We rarely say it, but we know it. Now I’m sure countless kids in school probably made jokes and insinuations about the context or extent of our relationship. It didn’t matter. But why is this the go to expectation or judgement?

Rumi and Shams when they first became friends, spent hours and days together, rarely interacting with anyone else. People insinuated things, others were blind with jealousy and some were curious. They both shared one thing, their love and devotion of ‘Allah’. The source and the destination of our souls. At the time, their appreciation for each other and Rumi’s declaration of love for his teacher and friend, wasn’t as strange in their time as it may be by today’s standards. People in their era had no problem expressing love and well, love had a different understanding and definition compared to today’s washed out meaning. Shams guided Rumi to see the world with the eye of an empathetic, compassionate and loving heart.

Is there someone out there that you love more than any sexual desire could provide? Is there a friend, cousin, partner or teacher, whom you’ll miss terribly if they disappeared? Someone you’re grateful for, because with them you felt warmth, acceptance and compassion?

Being judgemental is one of the easiest things a person can do. But truly knowing and experiencing love in its truest essence is something people can strive their entire lives in search for.

Obtaining Universal Love

Universal love isn’t something we obtain, but at best maybe taste and, with some work, eventually become a vessel through which it flows. Take a look at people who give without seeking anything in return. Those people, whom when you see them, seem to unlock something warm and fuzzy inside your chest. The room just lights up with their presence…and for a short pure period, you’re connected to something far more meaningful and powerful than the corporeal world we live in now.

Universal love flows through and out of us, connecting us to that essence that confirms there’s a higher purpose for all of us and that essentially we are all by nature, beings of love (I choose beings – because humans are by nature something else). There are people I have met that have an unbelievable capacity to love, that it can be absolutely frightening. When our Ego’s intervene, we become suspicious of that energy and the person’s intent. Because with love of any kind comes vulnerability and we have learned so well and worked so hard to protect ourselves. A universally loving person can be a threat.

Why? Because not only do we get a taste of the energy we had forgotten (or in some cases never experienced), it means we start to search for it or crave it – leading to the Ego’s loss of control over us. Thus we put ourselves in a state of vulnerability. That’s where the beauty of it all lies. In the vulnerability. In the honesty and the nakedness of the soul. Those who love unconditionally aren’t necessarily people who have never experienced pain or heartache. They’re often the ones that in spite all of those painful experiences, they kept their hearts open to something more, allowed themselves to overflow in the abundance of unconditional love and compassion. Eventually that energy touches those around them too.

What does Love mean to you? Have you ever misunderstood someone’s love for you? Have you ever judged others for their love towards each other? Do you believe that there is universal love? Or is love just chemicals in our brains?

Share your opinion and let me know what you think.

For more information on our Services – Contact Us now.

Read Posted in Love, Opinion, Self growthPosted on April 27, 2017August 31, 2018 by Dahlia Dowler

What it Means to Belong

Belonging is an innate human need. We all strive for that sense of belonging from the day we’re born. We first work hard to obtain our parents’ and family’s acceptance so that we feel like we belong in our family. Then when we venture out into the world and go to nursery and school, we try to fit in and gain that sense of belonging with the outside world.

As teenagers, at that vital time in our lives, when we’re trying to make sense of everything and figure out who we are, we battle with that sense of belonging. Whether we work hard to be part of the “Popular clique” or whether we fight to be “different” because we don’t feel accepted for who we are, we constantly yearn and search for a place to belong.

Because of this we go through a variety of experiences including excluding others who “don’t fit in” or by wearing masks so we “do fit in” in hopes they don’t really see who we are and so we can be accepted as “one of them”.

Throughout my childhood I was bullied. My childhood wasn’t an easy one. The outside world rejected me for being who I was, which at the time was an extremely gullible and naive kid who wanted to see the best in everyone. I was an easy target, especially for kids who had it rough at home. Soon I became the tool which other kids used in order to feel included, that they belonged. As long as they bullied me too they were “safe” from the same treatment.

I didn’t feel I belonged with kids my own age and this feeling carried well into my teens. I didn’t even feel like I belonged within my own country or the communities I should have technically been able to get along with.

Loneliness was my friend. A clingy companion who followed me everywhere. I had to make due with what I had, and all I had was myself for a very long time. I learned to entertain myself on my own, to find solace in literature and learning about topics that intrigued me. With time after numerous battles with depression and self harm, I accepted my “alone” time. It was no longer a curse but a blessing, a way to reset and refresh from the stresses of the outside world.

Through this experience I learned to stop caring about what others thought about me. At first I did it as a sign of rebellion, retaliation towards all those who decided I wasn’t “one of them”. Eventually it became my own form of empowerment. I wasn’t held back by the thought “what will people think?” I was free. I was sure with time I’ll find my “tribe” or others who would accept me despite or because of our differences.

It didn’t begin until I began learning what it meant to accept myself. Of course this didn’t happen instantly or easily. My journey for self acceptance, like anyone else’s, included a lot of trial and error and even a few set backs. But the core belief was there “it doesn’t matter what they think of me, what matters is that I’m okay with who I am.”

I met people with whom I had a lot in common. I learned to become my own person. I learned to be okay with who I was and with who I was becoming. Some people stayed throughout my journey, some came and went, and several joined in later in life. I started creating my own family, my own tribe.

Once I was able to practice self acceptance, I began on learning to accept others. I tried to search for the common ground, even with those I had once decided “unworthy” of my time, because they had once rejected or judged me.

I decided to level up my listening skills, at first as a way of connecting with others but eventually it became my doorway to acceptance and non judgement. I discovered that people, of all backgrounds, had their own struggles and pains. They weren’t all as shallow as they appeared to be, and even those who were, with some time and conversation they allowed themselves to open up when they found a safe space with me.

As the years went on loneliness rarely came to visit. Alone wasn’t a place for him to live anymore. This was made more possible when I learned to embrace a life without expectations. It’s true that with certain groups or people I didn’t always feel like I belonged but more often than not, it wasn’t because they weren’t inviting, but because I chose to block myself off from people knowing me. I had fallen into the trap of the “listener” and forgot how to be a “sharer”. I created my own bubble of unbelonging.

Over the past year it became apparent to me that belonging is a human creation. In fact another tool the Ego uses to make us feel superior or inferior. A method to separate us from the Whole. We’re essentially all one and all come from and will return to the same source – regardless of our religious or spiritual beliefs.

We’re made up of the same matter and our souls or spirits come from the same place. We’re all born from a woman’s womb (whether naturally, surrogate or otherwise). We have the same life cycles and have the same basic human needs. Although we may have differing opinions, beliefs, values or behaviours, we’re all deep down the same. We’re unique while simultaneously all one.

It was with the acceptance of this truth that I realised we create that sense of belonging. No one dictates that for us. If we believe we belong, we belong. We choose. We belong anywhere and everywhere.

Accept that all people are different but we all have common grounds. Accept that you’re good enough and that you have your place in the world. Accept that we belong to a Whole much greater than anything we can fathom. I belong, you belong, we all belong. Create that space, it’s waiting for you.

Read Posted in Awareness, NLP, Self growthPosted on April 17, 2017August 31, 2018 by Dahlia Dowler